Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
