I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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