Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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