so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize