I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
