I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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