I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
