I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize