Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
