I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
