And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
