I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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