How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize