maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
