Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
