I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
