I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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