I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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