Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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