My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
