Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
