I want you more than these girls want KFC
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
