i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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