She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
