Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
