Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
