Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
