doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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