Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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