If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
MIDGETS
????
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
