I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
