I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
ok first of all what the fuck
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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