idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
