He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
