I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
