She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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