I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Randomize
