he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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