Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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