Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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