what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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