I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
