Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
