I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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