I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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