Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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