if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
