Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
