oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize