He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
