i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
