Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Houston, we have a blender
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
