I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
