Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
