If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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