I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
