So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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