I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
