Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize