You smell like stripper and shame
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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