hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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